Currently I am working my way through a self-help booked titled Calling In the One where the author treats it as a 7 week course with a new assignment for 49 days. I’ve been at a standstill the past few days because my last assignment was to create a Vision Board for what you want out of life and I think I know abstractly what I want, but when I think larger or concrete I get scared and discouraged, because it is quite grandiose.
I mentioned this to my brother, who tells me that he knows women who host Vision Board parties where they get together, drink boxed wine and cut and paste to their heart’s content. They claim the boards work and live by them. But get this: he’s talking about women in their early to mid 20s! When I was that age my friends and I were passed out drunk in some stranger’s yard after accidentally buying the whole bar a round of shots and driving drunk over road spikes. I had pretty much zero vision, not just thanks to alcohol, drugs or shitty boyfriends.
My 20s were spent surviving, to the point where I couldn’t even imagine thriving. My first post-collegiate job paid less than $10 an hour without benefits. I rented a bedroom in the San Fernando Valley for the majority of my paycheck and subsequently lost my deposit because I ruined the bathroom with DIY spray tan. I couldn’t even keep tile clean and it is designed to stay clean, that is what a mess I was. Who are these young millennials who have their shit together enough to create working vision boards- an elder millennial wants to know!
At that age I could never come up with a five year plan because I thought all plans went to shit, and life seemed to throw constant curve balls at me mainly because I was poor and directionless. My compass spun like I was in the North Pole, not Los Angeles; I had zero sense of direction or what I wanted out of life and thinking about it just depressed me by pointing out all that my life was not. I’m pretty sure this fear of lack is what led to the aforementioned curve balls that caused me to spend money I didn’t have, just to get to a job I didn’t like, to barely make enough to eat, much less eat well. Who could imagine a future filled with abundance when you worried if you’d have to live out of your car.
This mentality of lack has traveled with me most of my life, originating in childhood when money always seemed to be tight and I’m trying to break out of it as I think it is a driving force of why I remain in debt. How do I create a board that isn’t influenced by that fear, the fear of wanting too much? The fear that you don’t deserve it? If I can’t even create a vision board of the abundant life I dream of how can I even begin to manifest it?
I’m sure plenty of my friends made vision boards on their own when we were younger, but damn, a party would be helpful right about now, even if we just sat around sniffing the glue.
too fat to be italian 