The Knee

You ever just get sick of your own bullshit?

Across the board sick of it?

If there is one talent I have it is self-sabotage. I could win an award for it, I’m that good at it. And I am sick of it. I’m over it.

That is where I am at. But as I sit here writing I am also contemplating buying a sack of Lindor Truffles and stuffing my face, so how do I re-dedicate myself to myself, to my betterment when thinking of bathing in chocolate? Eating so much I want to puke or get swallowed alive like Augustus Gloop from Charlie In the Chocolate Factory?

How do I stop harming myself? Because that’s what it is, even if it isn’t explicit.

When I say sick of my bullshit, it actually doesn’t have to do that much with food but with everything- mainly that I continue repeating cycles afterI think I’ve moved past them.

1. abusing alcohol
2. being unsure about what direction to go
3. using my credit card when I have massive debt
4. dating unavailable men
5. food (who am I kidding, this is huge!)

1)Alcohol

I did finally reach a point with alcohol last week where I have never been. I’m tired of being out of control of my body. I’ve always enjoyed mind-altering substances, perhaps due to depression, who knows, but I never really cared whether I was in control of my physical body or not. My inner critic always scoffed when someone said they didn’t drink because they disliked the lack of control. Pfftttt, like you’re in control of anything ever, I would think. I had all this judgment while I was trying to control other aspects of my life, just not those touched by substance abuse. I’m assuming  that ignorance was due to shame.

I have done stupid ass shit and just did not care if it hurt me, or hurt others because that pain didn’t compare to whatever I was trying to ignore. When I say stupid shit, I mean I’ve been stranded drunk on a highway, I’ve been pulled over by the cops, I’ve almost peed on a chair and that barely skims the surface.

Last week was rough, mainly due to work and my inner world and by Wednesday, after a few drinks with friends I decided to water away that pain. I remember most of the evening, but forget the last twenty or so before I got home (don’t worry, I was with a friend, that poor man). I must have fallen at one point because my knee is killing me; falling isn’t new, it used to be a joke that I needed a helmet for my nights out because I always got injured.  I’ve been hospitalized, gotten scars, almost been raped and yet none of those injuries seem to bother me the way my knee does. I don’t mean physically either, I mean on a level of Why are you still doing this Girl???

I’ve never had great knees, I am not one of those people who can get down to my haunches easily and I never have been, even as a small child. My resolution this year was to improve my knee mobility in the hopes that by the time I have children, I am able to get down into that poor man squat position without assistance because I can’t do it right now.  I weightlift consistently which has helped prevent injury yet made me tighter so during my lifts I have been working in knee stretches. I use a yoga block to get into child’s pose for 30 seconds to a minute, and it hurts- much more than deadlifting 200+lbs. So, essentially, I’ve done all this work and I just threw it all away by being a drunkard.

Maybe it bothers me more because that goal isn’t about my current life but my future one. Maybe I’ve just never cared enough for my present to make a change. I’ve had friendships end and others become tense after evenings with alcohol. I’ve been the mean drunk who pushes and says nasty things or the depressed one who weeps while holding on to a statue. More recently I tend to be the happy drunk who just wants to keep the party going and not go home. Is it because going home means being alone? I’m unsure. But whatever it is, I’m sick of it.

I’m sorry if you have ever been caught in the crosshairs of how I abuse this substance, it never had anything to do with you and I’m sorry I didn’t respect our friendship enough to not drag you into it, it’s not that I don’t respect you, it’s that I didn’t respect me, my half of the friendship. It’s always been about forgetting something or chasing something.  Chasing happiness, chasing away sadness, physically punishing myself for what I mentally or emotionally feel. For being able to knowingly not be in control, to consciously choosing to lose control in a way that is acceptable (even, if it’s really not).

How do you end this cycle? It’s not a matter of needing alcohol to function or always abusing it, it’s not about going cold turkey or going to AA.  It’s that 1 time out 5 that I don’t want to have anymore. I know for many of you that is 1 time out of 20…how do I get to that?

I want to be in control of what I can which means I don’t want to wake up not knowing where I am, or who is next to me, or how I made it home anymore. I want to remember.