2) Being Unsure What Direction to Go
This is also known as taking no direction for fear of it being the wrong one. We all know the road less traveled, I’ve taken that and it didn’t really work and not saying I want to go on the super busy highway but I’d like to get on a paved road at least. Yet I remain indecisive and come up with excuses, that don’t seem like excuses because there is a rationalization to them, but they are. Never fully committing to something means never actually failing, because you didn’t put it all on the line.
I do this with my weight by never surpassing a plateau because the disappointment of failing when I truly give it my all is overwhelming and it’s something I didn’t realize I did until a few years ago. I’ve also done it in love by dating guys I knew it wouldn’t work out with right from the get go because then it was never on me if it didn’t work out, which was inevitable. I did this for yearsssssss, and have only recently aimed to date men it could work with in the long term. It’s clearly not a fear of endings, but a fear of inability.
Right now, I don’t know what I am doing with my career or lack of one. My permanent state seems to be waiting for a sign from the Universe about what my next move should be but I have been standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus that never shows up for my entire adulthood at this point. Being sick of my bullshit means committing to something fully, even if it fails. So I’m committing to Too Fat To Be Italian, because what do I have to lose. I took a rather large step and invested in a course about making a career of blogging, which doesn’t seem like a big deal but you’ll see why it is in a moment.
I love taking courses that have zero to do with a career path and since graduating college have taken an array of classes, from sculpture to screen printing to fiction writing to baking to tap dance and even to law just to scratch an itch in my brain. I’ve thought about taking classes for “jobs”, I almost took spin instructor courses twice. I did take a bartending course and then could never get a bar job in LA because I was too fat or not “cool” enough to know who was on a stupid poster (that was an actual question on an interview- answer: Jack Johnson, who I’d seen a few times but WHATEVER, NOT COOL ENOUGH). Let’s not even go into grad school or how many times I’ve entertained Art Therapy or therapy of some sort to just realize I’d never get out of debt. I’ve never been able to bite the bullet and apply after I’ve run the numbers and then it seems wasteful when there isn’t an actual career direction or passion. An actual PASSION.
My therapist says my lack of passion is due to depression, especially when I go through periods where just getting up and showering is monumental. How can one have a passion when one lives in a fog? I’m one of those people who is good at a lot of things, but never sits down to master them- is that also because of depression, that nothing has ever struck a spark of desiring mastery?
Years ago I’d had my astrological chart read, and when it came to where I would make my money and professional mark it said something about spiritual writing. I didn’t understand this at the time. I was not very spiritual, maybe a stones throw from being an atheist and while I’ve always enjoyed writing, like most of my other creative endeavors mentioned above, it ebbed and flowed. The rest of the chart was on point and now I wonder if this blog has something to do with that chart because it feels spiritual to me. I’ve had this idea for many years but hadn’t been ready to share and reflect so openly while trusting that I wouldn’t be persecuted for it, but we are in a new age where wellness and authenticity are being acknowledged and even celebrated.
When I was 24 I was fired for the first time, they let me say I was “let go” for hiring purposes but I sort of just lied my way to the next opportunity, which came a month later and was a better opportunity. That experience taught me a tremendous amount, but I think it has also deterred me from really claiming my place in any particular company I’ve worked for since. I believe everyone should be fired at least once, ideally when they are young, because it teaches you that you are more than your job, and that you will be disposable to certain people and that that is ok.
The older I get the more I realize I should be working for myself, for my dreams, my goals, my vision, and not someone else’s. Only work for someone else if it aligns with something important to you. So often on job interviews those holding the interview forget they are also being interviewed- it goes both ways. The candidate is just as important as the interviewer in the grand scheme of life- we all came in the same way and we all go out the same way and we all deserve to feel valued in our work environment. From the cleaning lady to the admin to the boss, each person is relevant and it is sad when you work somewhere that does not make you feel like you matter.
When I was in high school I’d had a coach tell me I was a shitty team player, but a year later I lettered sheerly due to being a team player because you can bet it was sure as shit not because I was a talented athlete (I wasn’t). Sometimes I wonder if this lack of direction in career is due to not having found the right team. Currently I work with a good group of individuals, but I am not part of their team. Last week when we had new hires come in for lunch I was not invited as I am the support and not sales. I’m the only support staff in my office (it’s small) so I am alone and have been alone a long time. I haven’t found my tribe yet or whatever you want to call it, but I think I’ve been ok not looking due to my depression. But I’m ready to look for them now.
So I signed up for this course that has to do with something beyond expanding my knowledge, something that has to do with a career. It has to do with expanding my potential, my network, my world view and figuring out an actual path for my future to make it one I not only enjoy, but is worthy of my time. It has to do with me working for myself and creating my own tribe. I may not be the MVP at my current job but I’m a leader and it’s time to stop pretending that I’m not.
too fat to be italian 