This has been a hard one to write, thus the lapse of time since my last post. In positive news I bought myself a “new” (new to me) computer so I can dedicate more time and effort to this blog. Woah, did I actually make a decision for the first time in a LONGGGGG time regarding which direction to go? Me thinks this list may be working.
Welp, here we go on to what all women in their 30s hate thinking about: ROMANCE or the lack there of it.
4) Dating Unavailable Men
“I need to stop dating unavailable men! Where are the available ones?!” I lamented as one is wont to do when their life is like a rom com before the magic happens- you know, the beginning part when the protagonist steps in shit while wearing flip flops or almost gets hit by a truck full of chickens and is saved by a man who has a smile endorsed by Crest White Strips.
My co-worker chuckled, “what do you mean? Can you even date someone if they are unavailable?” Oh boy. How do I explain “unavailability” with all it’s bullshit complexities to someone who has been out of the game since before the first Iron Man movie was released?
Let’s back it up a bit. This is something I know I do and have done for many years. I knew I did it but hadn’t thought others noticed my terrible reasoning until a close friend questioned me about it. It was not a criticism, merely an observation meant to help me find the why because I clearly was not happy with how my dating life was going. She now knows what she has to do with the next unavailable dude I introduce to her.
I won’t lie and say I didn’t date unavailable men unintentionally; I did. I ignored red flags willingly, more red flags than you see at a Chinese sporting event. I invested in quite a few men I knew there would be no future with. I’ve tried to fix this tendency but a new type of unavailable man was introduced into my world this year, the kind that creates a façade of availability (because they think they are available) and you can actually envision a future that isn’t scary. This type of “unavailable” blindsided me because I REALLY thought I’d outgrown the habit, as did my friends who sent me texts of encouragement when I worried a dude was too good to be true: “you deserve this!” But then it came to light those men were just as unavailable as the others had been, they just had shinier wrapping paper. They didn’t feel “it” and were unsure if they ever would…
My dating men that I knew it likely wouldn’t work out with made sense at one time or another and was clearly a protective measure. Set yourself up for the lowest bar possible so you are happy when you surpass it and unsurprised when you don’t. When the relationship inevitably ends it isn’t due to pure rejection but incompatibility, misalignment of future goals or even lack of sexual chemistry (that one was a doozy). This kept me “safe” and made it so I was not held solely responsible for the failure of a relationship. I am almost certain that this mentality prevented me from going all in to any of my relationships, ever. And it probably prevented me from going all in to a lot of other things along the way.
Part of me has always felt like I am settling because the men I tend to like rarely like me in return. I have taught myself to like those who did like me, but perhaps I was just clueless to the thoughts of those I assumed were too good for me. I hate that phrase because it implies some are more deserving than others in the realm of love. Plus the men I’ve dated always eventually pull the “you’re too good for me” bullshit once they realize they are out of their element. Though in truth, I usually am too good for them but in hindsight it clearly hasn’t just been them who have been unavailable.
My mother recently visited a childhood friend for the first time in many years. I spent a good deal of time with the children of her friends over warm slow Southern summers and remember most of them to this day. This particular friend’s son was the CUTEST boy I had ever laid eyes on, he could have been in Tiger Beat or one of those magazines with JTT and Devon Sawa on their covers. To say I had an enormous crush on him is an understatement. I kept his picture squirreled away in a special box and am pretty sure I could find it all these decades later. I would throw myself at him with some frequency whenever we played house or other games that required close proximity. I even kissed him and promptly asked his mother if he had ever been kissed before; when she answered no, I replied “well he has now!” Why act cool when you can act crazy?
The thing is, I never thought a boy that cute would like me, from the ripe old age of 9 I just didn’t believe it was possible. It wasn’t even on my radar, it was as unlikely as the Avengers beating Thanos (can you tell I watched Endgame this weekend?).
Most boys would befriend me to ask my friend “out”. Boys, Guys and Men tend not to choose the heavier friend over the conventionally pretty one and not just in movies, but in reality. It’s just the truth and it sucks. My mom once advised me “a boy won’t like you unless he likes the way you look first” and while this is true do not say it to your teenager, she already knows! If she doesn’t, she will soon learn unfortunately. Why do we raise girls to believe so much of their worth lies in their appearance? Why did I assume I was not good enough for someone at the age of 9 because I was chubby?
Guess what? My childhood crush, the Tiger Beat level heart throb, remembers me as his childhood crush. The boy I didn’t think I was good enough for liked me enough to remember me 25+ years later and tell my mom about it. It makes me wonder what would the world be like if we knew all the ways we were admired or appreciated by others? What if people told you the reasons they liked you and from a young age you recognized your worth was inherent? What if you realized that the only reason love was unavailable to you was because you assumed that it was?
too fat to be italian 