May is an odd month for me. It often feels like the true start of spring in New England with the blossoms budding on the trees of Commonwealth Ave and Red Sox fans ruining the Green Line. New life can be found everywhere with more weddings and birth announcements than any other month. May is rarely seen as synonymous with endings, even though a primary revenue generator for caterers will be graduation parties. One of the astrological signs in May is Gemini, the twins, a sign known for their personality of opposites, so perhaps this opening and closing vibe May gives off to me is to be expected.
Five years ago a close friendship of mine came to an abrupt end when my friend could no longer speak to me regarding my parent’s divorce and it’s aftermath, which at that point in time I was in the middle of. I had just turned 30 and was living at home unsure what to do with my life after moving back East from Los Angeles. My mother was on the brink of a nervous breakdown and was continually crying or yelling at me about the impending move. At the time I was not speaking with my father and my brother had just moved to NYC. I wanted him to try to have some semblance of a normal college grad life that did not revolve around consolidating the 3-story home and 2-story barn of a hoarder. It was a rough time in all of our lives to say the least.
It was also around that time I had begun to take anti-depressants and fortunately they kept me afloat. I did not feel comfortable talking about my life to many of my friends and often when asked how I was doing would change the subject and divert the conversation to a new topic. Except with one friend. I found salvation in being able to tell one friend everything. I unloaded on her and assumed it was ok to do so, as she had often unloaded on me, but I now realize I am a person who can carry very, very heavy loads and that assumptions are often poisonous to relationships.
I’d visited her right around this time five years ago. Her and her husband had had a rough first year of their marriage but had just bought a house and wanted to celebrate. I had visited them many times through the years in the various cities they resided, sometimes planning long layovers when on my way home from LA just so we could catch up. That visit felt strange with my friend acting distant and lethargic, which wasn’t her normal state. She wanted to stay indoors even though it was sunny, she didn’t want to try a new restaurant or go out to see a band or anything that she normally did on my visits. I chalked this up to having just invested in a new home, but even with that knowledge it felt strained. I did not at the time think it was due to something I had done or not done but the week following our visit we spoke much less than usual, with her cutting conversations short. I got the hint that she needed space so I tried to be more upbeat when I did reach out to her, only to receive short replies. I thought back to the weekend I’d been with her and cringed at something I’d said as I gave them their late wedding gift, which I’d held on to when things seemed rocky and the future of their relationship uncertain. Perhaps it was that, I am unsure as I never got the chance to apologize.
As mentioned earlier, I had not been speaking with my father at the time. The short story is that I had been trying to sort out my feelings and needed some space. While I fully supported the divorce there was a lot of unexamined history I was working through with my therapist and I didn’t agree with some of the actions he had taken in recent months. After much deliberation I decided to write him a letter which I re-wrote a minimum of twenty times, oft with my friend’s input and revisions (she had worked in editing). She wanted me to cut my father off completely, whereas that was not an option for me. I understand that some people do that, but I was merely trying to figure out how to create healthy boundaries. I got the sense that bothered her, angered her even. She was a woman of action and here I was, refusing to cut the cord and unsure how to proceed, but just sending that letter was a huge feat for me.
Shortly after sending it I went on the aforementioned trip to visit my friend and the Friday following my trip I received a text from my father telling me he had married his girlfriend who I had yet to meet. To say I was stunned is an understatement, I drove around screaming Frozen’s “Let it Go” at the top of my lungs and missed a friend’s birthday party. My brother couldn’t talk about it and needed to be alone. When I texted my friend she responded “well, I guess that is his reply to your letter.” Nothing more. It felt like an intentional burn to be so curt.
The following Monday when I tried to bring it up again she said I was “pincushioning” her and could not talk to me for awhile. I said “fine, don’t talk to me then” and that was that. She had used this “pincushioning” phrase before and I knew it came when she was over a friendship. I realized she must have been complaining about me to other friends and that we would never be as close as we once had – the ones who pincushioned her never were her close friends again. Her husband reached out a few times the first few years following the breakup, asking me to reach out to her but I replied saying I would talk to her after she apologized; she never has. I will forgive many things sans apology, but I cannot forgive lacking empathy without some sign of remorse, it’s hard for me even with remorse. Her dog, whom we all adored, passed away a few years ago and I reached out sending my sympathies. She replied that she always sends positive thoughts my way. I didn’t know how to reply, but it felt like an end, an understanding that we would always love one another but our story had run it’s course.
Female friendships are odd, especially as you age and husbands and wives and children are introduced into the picture. Priorities change. Those who partner up get new best friends in their mate while those who are single are often times left to their own devices. Since this fall out I’ve had quite a few female friendships fall away and they all hurt in their own way. An older friend of mine said this was common for women my age, and it turns out she has been more than right as many of my other friends have had fall outs of their own.
She had a child a few years ago whom she named her after her grandmother (she always said she would). She dresses her in whimsical hoodies and I imagine them having deep belly laughs together; she always had a great laugh.
The month of May is when I celebrate my mother’s birthday; it is when I serve as a bridesmaid in weddings; it is when I try to figure out how to congratulate my father and his wife on their anniversary without feeling like I am betraying my mother. May is when the sky finally turns bright blue and New England rises out of seasonal depression with chartreuse buds reaching towards the sky. May is when I think of my friend and thank her for teaching me that sometimes, even though you love someone, there are some people you have to let go.
too fat to be italian 