Trumps’ election hit the North East hard, with even those who didn’t vote or voted third party walking around the Boston Common like zombies, uneasy in their thoughts of the direction our country was headed. The fact that someone so full of hate could win against someone so qualified, even if she was “a bitch”, felt like a big fuck you to women and POC. As a white woman (w.w.) it has been hard to grapple with the knowledge that so many of my fellow w.w. voted for this misogynistic bigot, primarily because they hated his opponent (primarily due to how she has been represented by the media for decades). One cannot deny the media is an unkind mistress to the fairer sex, whether you lean right or left, your dye job, dress size and sex life is fair game. You can say you hated her for good cause, but unless you know these politicians personally or they’ve done something to directly cause your family harm why do we view them on such a personal level to use the word hate? Is it due to how the media invades our everyday lives, with screaming heads constantly airing their opinions in our living rooms? Did you watch the debates this week? What a joke that anyone finds any of these politicians relatable enough to be able to hate them with such blind fury.
Since the election it has felt necessary to start a dialogue with those I don’t agree with to better understand the why of how this brute came to sit in the most powerful seat of our nation. It’s not crazy someone like this is in power, we are talking about politics, the only field that cites Genghis Khan as an influencer besides geneticists. The reason dialogue is so important is because when you get right down to it the majority of us want the same thing: to love and care for our families and have happy, healthy homes and lives. A republican and democrat will often have more in common than either do with the politicians in power, just as we likely have more in common with the people of other nations than any of us do with our governments.
I was taught that kindness begets kindness, and I know deep down the majority of people will attest that is a true sentiment. What I just can’t get over, is why so many people give a fuck about what other people do with their lives? I just want you to be responsible for your shit. Do I think it’s right that a guy won’t make a cake because he doesn’t believe in gay marriage- no- but I also think, just tell everyone and go get your cake elsewhere- time and progress will take care of the closed minded eventually, but this is a thought that comes from a place of privilege.
Back to the election- I was one of those liberals who was aware that the likelihood of Trump winning was pretty high due to knowing a good number of people who simply hated Hilary (see my earlier bitch notation…not my thought, but something I have heard many times) and while I want to say it is not because she was a woman, we can all agree that likely has something to do with it even if merely subconsciously. Women have been expected to act and speak a certain way for the majority of existence and those who don’t fit naturally into certain roles will either push against the tide or try to swim with it. Women in the public eye face extreme scrutiny and are forced to compromise and change themselves to be more appealing to the masses and while this can be seen as positive (when it doesn’t threaten a way of life) it can also be seen as two faced. Currently, the image of what makes a “woman” is undergoing a transformation, with us pushing to be seen as both equal whether CEO or homemaker, but in this push we also must address the need to have a dialogue about the male psyche and how it’s current structure, which was curated over a millennia of time, is damaging to us all and the need to change if for our society to move to the next era.
Don’t think I didn’t find the idea of someone who did not come from a political background refreshing, I did, and prior to Trump’s campaign he had been decisively liberal in a wide array of his opinions and actions. Prior to his hateful rhetoric I did not think he would be a terrible candidate. Ideal? No. But we survived Cheney/Bush! What could be worse? (Yes, you read that right, we all know who wore the pants in that relationship). But when Trump won the nomination for his party his strategy shifted even further right all while emphasizing the pre-existing hatred of HRC, having animosity became his MO. He recognized that anger could be used as a tool and if there is one thing Trump knows how to do it is to get ratings, which this time came in the form of votes and like any good manipulator, he knew what strings to pull to win. While I am still unsure who would be an ideal challenger to him this coming election I couldn’t help but whoop out loud when Marianne Williamson said, “If you think you’re going to beat Trump with your plans, you’ve got another thing coming.” What Ms. Williamson was focusing on was what more of us should be seeing, the forest, not just the trees- Trump used fear to win, and while some progress has been made due to fear, such as the polio vaccine, much has not. Fear of the other, no matter what shape or color or sex they come in, does not advance us as a society.
The Access Hollywood tape was awful, but was it surprising? Not really. Perhaps it is because I’ve gotten so many comments on my figure for the majority of my life or because I’ve worked in so many industries where my opinion was not given the same weight as a male counterpart, but the boorish misogyny he exhibited just seemed like par for the course. The lewd behavior seemed normal though a bit extreme, but the boasting aspect of possessing power was nothing new and by continuing to focus on it, when people just don’t really care enough to change it, is a distraction from the larger issues.
In Hollywood rumors of Weinstein had circulated for years prior to the upswing of the #MeToo movement and in a world where you could be rejected for a job based on your looks why wouldn’t you also try to get a job by utilizing them? Both my grandfathers loved women, granted in different ways, but even when they respected a woman there was still this strange rift where they felt they had a right to talk about her body and make open commentary. To me, that is what Trump was doing, plus doing that boastful thing men who are shit in bed do. Let’s take the sex out of it, even commenting on an adult woman’s choice of clothing or hairstyle or make up is ridiculous. Do you make comments to your brothers, sons, teammates or any man that they would look nicer wearing a suit? That they should shave that beard or pad those cups. No. You don’t because it is rude and what good will it do? It’s only for your benefit, because I can guarantee that woman leaves the conversation doubting herself and feeling like shit. But perhaps I am missing the point and that has been the purpose the whole time, subconsciously of course, to keep the fairer sex in their place.
My brother and I broke into tears on Thanksgiving 2016, with me yelling that it was now the time when men would have to stand up to protect us because there would soon be a war on women. I have this theory that it is white man’s final attempt to maintain a modicum of power, a last hurrah of sorts. When my father and uncle asked what they could do I was unsure what to say and overwhelmed by the immensity of the question but I’ve given it a lot of thought since. In the years since the election it has felt like our nation has taken a few steps back from the progress it made toward equality amongst the sexes with this Spring highlighting that shift in the passing of abortion laws that even hard right conservatives find damaging. Perhaps it is not a step back, but the pulling back of a curtain a la Wizard of Oz style, to reveal how far we have yet to go and that we had been deceiving ourselves that such immense progress had been made. If we look at systemic racism we still see many men of color institutionalized for a drug that is now becoming legal in many states and we cannot deny that those affected most by the closure of Women’s Health Centers will be the poor. For true equality to grow out of our current state we must begin to examine how we treat men, and if we expect more of them we must teach them what “more” means.
Many men I know recognize that women are powerful, and that a good portion of our power and strength lies in vulnerability. The machismo attitude has put down vulnerability as weakness is being seen as an outdated model of what makes a man- most millennials know vulnerability can help you grow and become a better leader able to connect better with others. Soon emotional intelligence will be recognized as an important skill in the workforce and will help to differentiate us for certain jobs that A.I. is capable (and more affordable) to perform. We must start to encourage vulnerability in males, without resorting to mocking men for showing “weakness”. We must see that growth and change are part of all human experiences and that we should not focus simply on the past to understand the future. We must acknowledge that men also deserve to be cared for, that they do not have to be “strong” and withstand crying, that they can enjoy dancing or baking or taking care of their children without society questioning their masculinity. Talking about exerting power over someone’s individual agency is cowardly and does not define masculinity, and it is in this that we need those quiet men, who are unsure how they can help the other to now stand up.
We all have to do better, and in seeing this blatant attack on women’s rights recently in more and more states we now have to call on men to voice their disagreement with these regulations. This isn’t about just us, it is about mothers and daughters and sisters but hell, that shouldn’t matter. I am not going to argue pro choice or pro life here, I am both. I don’t think our current political dialogue is one or the other but rather pro choice or pro birth. There is an undeniable focus on controlling a portion of the population, easily seen in mass incarcerations whose sentencing few of us can understand- how can someone who was physically pulled off a woman get off with less time than someone with an ounce of narcotics? The taking away of services will keep the poor, poor- it will keep systemic racism thriving. The republicans want to bring this to the Supreme Court, but in doing so, how many are they hurting and for what reason. When asked about the viability of pregnancy outside a human womb, one of the proponents of these extreme bills said it did not matter because it was not inside a woman- that tells us the issue right there, does it not?
In denying access to those most in need we make them more reliant on the systems so many conservatives vote against. Why would you vote to keep a fetus alive, but not to help feed the family of that fetus? Keeping that part of the population in a place of need makes them shift focus to self preservation and not growth, which negatively affects the whole. They have to give away a bit of their power in exchange for survival, when in reality the best thing for us as a whole would be for these individuals to flourish.
Life means many things to many people, but until we can agree that we all deserve the same ability to raise our families with love and safety, we will continue to focus on these issues that prolong systemic racism, prolong the division of the male and female while maintaining and strengthening the existing structures that keep the rich, white male in power. This rise in nationalism/populism is a last grasp of White Power, and it is due to an unfounded fear of a race dying out, an idea that has been passed down generationally. Our identity is not in our race, it is in those who raise us and we surround ourselves with. If you don’t believe that the taking away of my rights will negatively affect you, you’ll soon be surprised when you yourself are not living the life you’ve planned. This fear is what a demagogue creates, a divide that advances their agenda, and unless you’re a rich, white male you should know, your rights are seen only as a tool, one that can easily be taken away when no longer advancing their cause.
Want to change the way society is going- be vulnerable. Have you watched Chernobyl, can you imagine how many more people would have been saved had they just asked for help and admitted their vulnerability. We don’t have to live the way we are, attacking one another to get ahead, we aren’t meant to.
too fat to be italian 