“Guys inherently don’t want to get married and the task is to get one to want to…to you. Asking him would be like cheating at the game.”
My now married friend said this of her husband many years ago, as she waited, rather impatiently, for him to propose. They recently had an anniversary, which made me think about all the fables we tell ourselves that we have either made up from our own observations or inherited from outside forces. These notions of what is “universal truth” are so individualized but have somehow become a part of pop culture that to believe otherwise is akin to a rebellious act.
I know plenty of men who want to get married, some to the point where that is their main goal (terrifying) and I know many who know they don’t want to, and nothing any woman will do can convince them otherwise. Don’t say they just haven’t met the right people yet, maybe that is their truth and we, as a society, need to start recognizing individual truths. My friend’s husband would likely have said yes had she proposed, and while he may not be the most chill guy, he is noticeably in love with her and I’m pretty sure the wait was due to his saving money for a ring. It was not a play in some grand romantic game- the man is not into games- besides ESPN or Fortnite, most men aren’t into games (when it comes to relationships). Can we just move past this idea of dating and relationships being a game? It is so deep rooted in our culture it’s become a cliché to say “I’m not into games” when you’re on Tinder… I think most people just don’t understand the game honestly and that’s why it continues to be a thing?
The other day my mother said, “if it’s between you and a blonde, the man will always choose a blonde,” and I called her out on how preposterous and ridiculous that conclusion is. It is something she has said for years, as long as I can remember. My mother has been both a brunette and a blonde throughout her life (both in her youth and senior years) so I take it that she has come to this conclusion through her own experiences in love, but this idea (unfortunately) totally shaped how I think about myself. The only way one can find any “truth” in her conclusion is from considering how few natural blondes there are in the population (2%) and realizing perhaps someone would be drawn to them in a crowd due to rarity, not always due to preference.
An ex boyfriend once lamented that I would be “perfect” if I were only a blonde- this enraged me at the time, today it just saddens me. To be so wrapped up in this idea of “perfection” to make that complaint- I could have easily said if he was smarter he would be “perfect” but that would just be an asshole thing to say, right? This whole blonde thing came up again with an entirely different man a few years ago- it seems to be a pattern and it’s just exhausting. I was so angry at the universe for constantly presenting to me this idea that I was less than because of my fucking hair color and that my own mother endorsed the idea. Then I was angry at myself for believing it. Keep in mind I have beautiful hair, it’s my crowning glory. I don’t think this is entirely about actual hair color but the old idea of their being a difference between blondes and brunettes, which we all know is bullshit. Brunettes can be ditzy while blondes can be boring, both can be fun- hair color isn’t what makes you sexy, is it? There are many hard “truths” out there, things that we see as patterns but may not hold actual weight in a statistical study.
As I grow older I question how wise it is to voice these “truths” out loud, because just because they may be true to some does not mean they are true to all, truth is colored by experience and speaking these beliefs out loud continues to give them power.
Years ago a close friend of mine and I were discussing dating while being plus sized and I, being an asshole, said that I think some men would be turned off seeing a larger girl approaching them, maybe even disgusted enough to not show up to the date once they saw her. I was not thinking of this in regard to this particular friend, it had much more to do with how I viewed myself and how I thought the world viewed me. I had created a thick wall of cynicism that I unwittingly thought of as protection. At the time, my friend persisted with this belief (which she thought completely ludicrous) and used herself as an example. She didn’t have these same beliefs because they weren’t planted in her, she wasn’t told men would only get to know her if they found her attractive, perhaps the women in her life had more self esteem than those in mine, perhaps the men in her life had made less of a deal about appearances, perhaps she just had a stronger conviction of herself, who knows. At the time I thought her naïve, which I know look back on as odd because she always had profound morsels of wisdom, but I agreed that yes, I believed someone (not anyone good mind you) would reject her based solely on her size. What an asshole thing to say. Why did I hold on to that belief when all it caused was harm? More importantly why did I share it when I KNEW it would hurt my friends feelings, this gem of a person.
This conversation occurred when we were in our late 20s and up to that point I had pretty regularly been overlooked for smaller (thinner (sometimes blonder)) friends. Hindsight tells me that more often than not they were just my more confident friends. Many young men are raised to prefer thin Caucasian cis-women thanks to media and porn- our society has been set up this way to control the rest of us, because it is an unattainable goal for most. While what is approved of as beautiful now by the media has expanded from waifish Kate Moss to “thicker” women with curves, we still have a ways to go when it comes to true body acceptance. The only reason it is accepted is because the rich have accepted curviness and monetized it- we all know being plush used to signify wealth historically, this changed with the introduction of mass print when advertisements used to use illustrations to sell goods and changes in food production. Women have very rarely been shown as they truly are in the media- we have always been altered to be a certain ideal, something that will take money and time- long story short, chasing after this image of what we should be takes away our power and distracts us from what we are.
I’d recently slept with a younger guy and very few people know about it; those who don’t constantly encourage him to go after (you guessed it) small, thin, blonde women with little knowledge that his actual preferences are of a wider variety. I had been hurt that the guy had made no attempt to correct them that his tastes were all over the map and lamented to a male friend, one who knew the whole story. It upset him and sent him into this mini torrent against young men who won’t just do what they want but feel the need for approval from their peers. This man prefers curvier women but ” unfortunately you get more points with the guys when she is skinny “. I was taken aback that 1) what I had thought for years was correct (in some circles) and 2) that there were still so many men that believed this narrative that the value of a woman came from appearance and their friends (or society’s) approval of it. While I don’t think this is a truth for most men beyond a certain age (I’d say 28 and up), it lined up with how frequently certain beliefs I’d had about the world came to be endorsed time and again in my own life.
I recently watched the adaptation of Sally Rooney’s Normal People, (would recommend both book and series) which is set in 2008 Ireland, right before we as a society become fully attached to social media and the ways in which our lives “appear” on it. The male protagonist, Connell, struggles with outward appearances and approval throughout the series and it comes at a great cost down the line of losing valuable time with his partner 
Marianne and even his friends whose approval he had sought. Truthfulness of one’s actual opinion might have changed not only his life, but other people’s lives and Rooney does not let up on examining this wired need many of us have to seek approval from outside peers, even those that you rarely connect with. At a young age, before your own beliefs are formed, it is so easy to be swayed into liking what is seen as popular or believing what you have been taught by your parents. The story examines influences of both friends and family and the damage negative beliefs can have on the individual.
With the rise of Instagram we have seen a change in what people deem acceptable when it comes to what is popular but our outward appearances are still curated and I’d imagine that for those incapable of accepting what they want, if it is against the grain, really struggle with it. There is a whole movement about showing your “realness” on social media, and while it can be extremely repetitive to see unretouched poorly lit photos of women in bikinis I get the why of it. Each one of those posts does help break down stigma of an idea of what is worthy of our attention, because the point those relentless posters are trying to make is that we are all worthy. I hope we are approaching a time where it is just as plausible that a larger woman can be with a Chris Hemsworth looking man, we view it plausible that Seth Rogen can snag Katherine Heigl. You continue to see the trope of the heavier woman being seen as a joke, when it really just isn’t funny and never was- it was just mean. Why should it be funny that someone has found love- we should cheer that on because currently we live in a society where people are longing for that type of connection. I have lived in areas where the thin blonde, be she a Wasp or a Bombshell, reigned as the “ideal” – it was what was seen in retail stores and what you believed you should be in order to be loved. There is nothing wrong with being either of those things, but there are so many more flavors out there that deserve just as much attention and reverence.
Can we just kill these tropes already? They are old and played out. I am tired of hearing that I am not enough because I am not small or blonde or thin or successful in this way or that. I am tired of hearing that anyone is not enough because some judgement or belief we as a society and as individuals have held on to with vice grips thinking they are some guard against true rejection. “Oh, Brad just doesn’t like me because I’m not a brunette.” If that’s the reason he doesn’t like you Karen, why would you even want to date him? Not everyone will like you and that’s ok. Maybe Brad doesn’t like you because you believe this stupid, hackneyed bullshit that has been passed down to you. Why shouldn’t you propose, why shouldn’t you want to be a stay at home mom, why should you want kids or why shouldn’t you, why shouldn’t you be fat and still love yourself, why shouldn’t you like who you like? Essentially, why shouldn’t you be you?
too fat to be italian 