That 00.05%

If you’re anything like me, you will be told at different points in your life, why you are single. Be it by friends, family members, colleagues, even that strange lady on the train who won’t stop talking to you even though you put your ear buds in. People love to theorize WHY you are not yet committed, if you are moderately attractive, intelligent and not a complete asshole it makes zero sense to them (and often times to you).

“Maybe you’re too picky?”

“Maybe you’re not picky enough”

“You’re a really intense person, maybe tone it down”

“Maybe you aren’t being yourself enough?” HAHAHA, just kidding- I’ve never gotten that one…it’s mainly the first three, on repeat, to infinity.

Fortunately for me, many of those close to me have stopped questioning the why and have accepted that I just haven’t met the person yet. Either that or they are still harboring a secret opinion that I am a lesbian or something. Honestly, I think if I were a lesbian I’d have had a lot more relationships by this point mainly because it is so much easier for me to relate to women than men, but isn’t that how all hetero cis women feel when they just can’t seem to lock down a decent dude?

During my most recent online dating cycle I set up zero, that’s right, ZERO dates. Normally within my first few days of re-entry on to Match or OkStupid or Cringe I have a slew of dates set up and raring to go. Not this time and those I’ve told this to are baffled because frankly it is weird. Is it because of my recent birthday and a change in age group? Or is it because I pronounced to the universe that the next guy I go on more than 3 dates with is going to be the one because I just can’t stand doing this anymore? Did the universe hear me and is just holding back Mr. Wonderful until I’m ready for him or he’s ready for me?

Day to day life doesn’t make me question why I am single very often, in a daily sense the reminders come in the form of solicitations from online gurus whose books or blogs I have read in times of crisis. Some themes you see on repeat are: “Why he won’t Commit”, “How to win him back!”, “Signs of a D-Bag F-Boy”, “How to get over a guy you didn’t even date”, I’ve read that last theme too many times sadly… I have taken a lot of online courses, watched you-tube tutorials, done meditations and all that spiritual jazz just in the hope of figuring out what was wrong with ME that I couldn’t figure out this thing we are biologically inclined to do. While we aren’t seahorses or penguins with mate for life written into our DNA, the majority of humans want to be tied to someone at one point or another in their lives.

Last year was a big year for learning about what I need and deserve in a relationship, and mainly that it isn’t about what is wrong with ME, but what is wrong with who I’m choosing to spend time on. The brief stint of online dating I did at the tail end of the year was a quick refresher on what I don’t want which often is as important or even more so than the list of what you do.

Guy I Hope to Avoid in 2019 *(and forever)

1. The guy that gets crude right away. I may have a dirty sense of humor but at least get a few jokes in there first and wait until we kiss before you make comments on my butt being juicy.
2. The guy that gets handsy right away and doesn’t understand no. Dude. DUDEEEEE. When I take your hand off me, it is not a game to put it right back from where I moved it. Just because I am in my 30s does it give you the right to ask me if I’m a “Fertile Myrtle” or insinuate that I’ve had an abortion or miscarriage. My not kissing you is not because I am prude, it is because I do not want to.
3. The guy that takes everything personally before you even meet. I’m sorry I had to cancel on you, want to grab a drink? Oh! You just want to get together so you can tell me off at the restaurant for canceling on you the first time and then walk out on me…cool cool.
4. The guy that wants to marry his mother. (explanation not needed)
5. The guy that still isn’t “SURE” about kids. My eggs are dying yo, I need to know if you’re a GO, I’m unfortunately on a shorter timeline than you.
6. The guy that still has roommates. You’re not Josh Hartnett in the dot com era so unless you’re post divorce and trying to save up, this is a no.
7. The guy that has to smoke weed or have a drink every day.
8. The guy that never exercises.
9. The guy that just wants to get married, doesn’t matter to who, just that it happens right now.
10. The guy that doesn’t like to dance.
11. The guy that doesn’t know what he wants, especially whether it is rando #17 from Tinder or me.
12. The guy that is shorter than me in flats. This is not my hang up- it’s theirs. I do not want a guy who is going to shame me for wearing heels. I am 5’9″ and I like wearing shoes that make me almost 6′, so get on board or get on out.
13. The guy who doesn’t read. I didn’t always follow this one and as much as those non-readers were often amazeballs in bed, I’ve had some intellectuals give ’em a run for their money. Like John Waters said, if they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.
14. Mr. Unavailable. This is someone with either too much on their plate, not enough interest in you or already involved elsewhere. I am WORTHY of someone’s time and I refuse to chase it anymore.

I’m sure the list is longer but those are my red flags, my non-negotiables. As an ACOD (adult child of divorce) I’ve had to piecemeal together what an ideal marriage and relationship are outside of the home and that shit ain’t easy. It’s not news that dating today is hard to navigate, and that it is mainly because so few of us are open to meeting someone new in an organic way with how closed off we are in daily life. We walk with headphones in, we text and scroll, we choose the lane with the machine check-out instead of the human and I am guilty of all those things! What happened to the days of meeting people in a grocery store? Is it because we tend to dress like slobs in our lives outside of work and are embarrassed or is it something deeper?

I do not envy my fellow Xennials or the younger generation for how much we have to rely on technology to create opportunities to meet people.  Many of my partnered friends feel it is the idea of that next swipe and the notion that there is always something better right around the corner that has left me single. It is great to know there are more people out there when you’re on a date from hell but you shouldn’t continually fall back on that idea. Many people are afraid to just take the leap with someone because that person doesn’t align perfectly to an ideal they’ve envisioned or perhaps the magic sparkly feeling of past relationships isn’t there this time, but is replaced by something calmer. So many of us confuse those first feelings of lust and excitement with love or the potential for it and I think for men the IT factor (that lust and excitement) needs to be there for them to take a step forward.

My friend’s mother has always said to make sure the guy loves you just a little bit more than you love him and I didn’t really know what that meant until I grew older. My friends all adore their significant others but I would be lying if I didn’t say they all have the upper hand, it’s slight but still 98.5% vs. 99%…just that teeny tiny smidge may be where the IT factor lies. When I open up the dating portal again, which will be soon, I hope it spits out a guy who feels that extra 00.05% because I really don’t know how many more shitty dates I can sit through.