Make-up Brushes

Won’t lie, my matches on eHarmony make me die a little bit inside each time I open the program. I can’t really complain about weird emails because the site has been as silent as a field of dead crickets after the plague and while I’ve sent the random message I have yet to receive a reply. My married cousin had me re-open Tinder a few weekends ago when we had been at an antique fair. She played with the app as marrieds are want to do and struck up a conversation with a guy named Judd or Bob or Judd-Bob, I don’t know. Upon finding out he lived even further west than the already west part of Mass we Hail Mary and suggest that her and “her cousin” aka herself, because remember dear reader it’s my profile she is playing with, to come over to his place to see where the night took us…

She didn’t get the vibe that he was hoping for a threesome but I sure did. Having been in the online dating scene for many years at this point I have had well over a thousand correspondences with (strange) men. There is a quote I have on my fridge from author Robin Morgan, “Don’t accept rides from strange men- and remember that all men are strange as hell,” and it perhaps may be the truest quote I’ve ever read. Most guys, at least the ones I’ve interacted with online, are straight up weird. Not that I am not somewhat strange, I am pretty weird too, I just hope it is a more an endearing weird than a ‘want to wear tin foil and see if we can talk to aliens while we copulate’ kind of weird.

This is where the people who haven’t really done online dating usually quote Dr. Seuss and say you will meet someone whose weirdness is compatible with yours. This quote is one of the ones you will see the most often in the online dating sphere and it really encourages people who are furries or enjoy making dolls of your hair that their weirdness is normal and something to be celebrated. I’m not saying you should suppress your weirdness, but maybe when you are trying to “sell yourself” you should just polish it up a bit. If you were once able to find a lover into the same things as you  please go for being forward, but maybe ask people’s real name first before you ask if they are looking for a Mr. Grey and want to be dominated while you wear a mask without eye holes.

The above profile is real, and this man, dressed in an I Dream of Genie outfit I suppose to look more like a GOBLIN wants a relationship, one that allows for anus play. This used to not be a thing that was not talked about, until Girls, when it became quite common to talk about eating butt. Here are some more gems from recent trips down dating lane.

I took this  one —> as somewhat of a compliment, most transwomen are pretty good looking, or at least put together, but when I said no the guy went into a long diatribe about how he had been tricked by 2 transwomen and couldn’t handle it if it happened again. I could see how it would feel like trickery, I’ve heard stories of  this type of deceit that derives from not wanting to be rejected before you’re even given an honest chance. One girl had a friend who had spoken to a man for months only to learn on their first date that he was in a wheelchair. A man I knew showed up to a date to find a little person/midget/dwarf waiting for him and decided to leave because he couldn’t face her- he himself was a rather petite man and I think it sent him over the edge.  While it is deceiving one can totally understand the WHY of it. Personally, I have tried to be as upfront as possible about who I am so my date is not surprised. As much as I cringe looking at rim goblins profile I thank him for the info so I can just swipe left.

One thing I don’t get are the pre-written questions they offer- just why? Take the extra time to ask a legit question. Like… you haven’t even spoken to me yet and you’re asking if I’m physical or not. No Dave, I’m really not that physically affectionate, I wear a chastity belt and don’t let people touch me with a ten foot pole, I like to use a fake hand to caress my lover, is that ok with you?

 

 

Then there is the guy who looks like he is going to a rave and talks like he is 20 but is actually 37 and spends more time dressed in black pleather than Johnny Depp did when he played Edward Scissorhands. DUDE, you’re not Matthew McConaughey, the whole acting like you’re still living out of your mom’s basement while you save up for an X-Box really isn’t working anymore. Boom shick shick schik shick- who doesn’t love clubbing when they are nearing middle-age and have to wear ear plugs to a concert…I’ll tell you who : THIS GIRL.

Them there is the guy who thinks he is so funny, and while it does make you laugh it also makes you cringe and wonder who the fuck goes out with a dude like this?

 

Then there is the guy who always has to make it sexual- this one has messaged me on multiple platforms and is quite handsome. I was probably asking for it with this question but James is also almost 50 so I didn’t really think this is what he would say…at least he has good taste and didn’t say my anus like the Rim Goblin would.

I got this one last Valentine’s Day…so romantic! These guys are such charmers!

 

So, while I continue swiping on all the apps for a guy who looks “like a make up brush” aka a man with a beard,  I can’t help but feel like my time may be spent better elsewhere. And to the marrieds out there who just want to help, just admit you have no clue what most men are implying from their messages and take it from the permanently single girl…it is 95% of the time gross.