Apologies

I stopped writing for awhile because it became painful to hear how depressing my entries were. Honestly, the pity was killing me, even though it came from love.

But not writing didn’t really help at all, it didn’t take the frustration away, it didn’t make life suck any less. If anything it made me more frustrated and emphasized how hard of a time I seem to have in so many things- not that everyone doesn’t have issues, it just seems as though some other people might actually get past some of them.  It reminded me I write in the hope of understanding myself and in the hope that perhaps someday what I write will resonate with a reader and make them feel less alone. I fell in love with writing in seventh grade, shortly before my first depressive episode, because I recognized that I almost always felt better when I read because I felt that I was not alone and there are just too many times in life where one feels alone.

So I beseech those of you who are my staunch supporters, please keep reading), I am so grateful that you do, but please do not pity me. I write because it is the only thing I can do and feel the desire to do day in and day out. It’s the only thing I think about all the time, even during the days, weeks and months when I don’t do it. I am always thinking about it and feel guilt when I have not sat down to write anything , even if it just my “glorified journaling” aka THIS BLOG.

I make myself vulnerable by sharing my life because they say to write what you know and use your strengths, focus on the issues that come up again and again because that will lead you in the direction of your purpose. Unfortunately, my path just seems to be in these weird loopy circles that make it seem as though I am stagnant, so you and I are dizzy with how this shit just keeps happening to me, but perhaps the loops are getting larger and my path is not a ladder.

I have never been a person of technical skill (when it comes to anything). If anything  I am a person of deep emotion, I was that kid who got a Varsity letter for having “heart”, like fucking Rudy. I say this because it’s this way in everything I do. I don’t have a lot of friends but to those I am a friend to, I am a fierce one. I have never been a great draftsman, but I understand how to make art better by searching for deeper meaning. I have never been good at any sport, but I get up again and again and again, because there is something compelling me to do so.  So please know, I’ve made the choice to be vulnerable because it is without a doubt my biggest strength.

So lets get this out of the way because I will be writing more and hopefully, it will make you laugh a little and not just feel bad for me. Yes, dating sucks, and body issues suck, and depression sucks, and debt sucks, and realizing you are not what you want to be or where you want to be sucks-  all this SUCKS big time, but when I write about it, it sucks a little less. ❤