Upon being asked a hypothetical question the other day, I responded with a question of my own, because I needed clarity to give an answer. I was then met with a retort I get rather a lot, “you’re over thinking it, it’s not even a thing that could really happen.”
The question: “You can either go back to age 6 and re-do everything OR you can have 10 million dollars right now.” I am the eldest in this group, whose ages range from 24 to my age (almost 36), and they all immediately said they would take the 10 million, because they had few regrets from their teen years and lets face it, are just on the cusp of adulthood (as likely am I, if I ask my elders).
“Do you go back to age 6 with no knowledge and just have to do the same thing all over or some knowledge? Or the knowledge you have now?”
“YOU’RE OVERTHINKING IT!”
It is not that I regret the past 30 years, but if I could have a do-over where you make some improvements I would do it. I would make sure I loved myself more, I appreciated others more, appreciated myself more, spoke up, took more chances, was less frightened, tried more, failed more, bought less, pushed my body further, loved my body and that’s just what I would do in my 20s! BUT if I would have no knowledge and just go back to repeat my life over, then no, I would take the 10 million.
Personally, I do not find this to be overthinking, I find this to be thinking deeply about possibilities. Overthinking is when you go round and round your head about someone’s actions or words, there is no actual reason because you’re trying to understand someone else, and as much as we like to believe we do or we can, we rarely know our own motivations, much less those of others.
A man I’d slept with once asked me, upon questioning my prejudices toward those with money (yes, I have them, and am working on breaking them down) “do you feel you over think things?” This was a polite way to tell me he felt I overthought things and he was not the first sexual partner I’d been with to ask me this. It worries me that perhaps I will never be as go with the flow as most men seem to desire (that right there, that’s the damaging overthinking and he wasn’t even commenting on it!) I have reasons for why I think certain ways or do certain things, but does it mean it is overthinking when you examine it? He brought up how he himself deals with anxiety by relinquishing control of things outside himself and not asking questions and while I agree, one should not worry about the what ifs, isn’t the point of hypothetical questions to find out more about others and learn about their motivations as well as your own? Aren’t we all just comparing ourselves when we ask?
Reflecting too much on the past or the potential downfalls of the future worsens my depression and is much easier to manage when I am not depressed, this is where I have worked on slowing my thoughts . I do not think my exploring why I feel certain ways is over thinking but is in fact critical thinking.
I asked my brother why I always am met with “you’re overthinking it”. Our mother frequently asks us hypothetical questions, to which we almost always have a follow up question. Below are some examples:
Mom: If you could have sex with a famous person, who?
Us: Can they be dead or do they have to be alive?
Mom: If you could be more attractive than you are now but stupider OR you could be smarter than you are now, but uglier, which would you choose?
Us: Are we talking Einstein level smart but you look like Quasimodo? How stupid is someone who looks like Charlize Theron?
Mom: UGHHH YOU’RE OVERTHINKING IT!
We both decided we would stay the same, we are somewhat attractive and somewhat intelligent, so why mess with a good thing until you have more information. We know it’s all a game, but the best games tend to have some rules.
My brother feels that when I’m told this, it is because those I am speaking with aren’t thinking a depth beyond the simplest terms of the question and that in asking for more information, I point that out inadvertently.
There are plenty of times I have overthought things, but they usually have had to do with a man, his feelings for me or lack thereof and why I am not enough for him- that’s overthinking it. That worrying about whether I will find a guy who doesn’t tell me I’m overthinking it when asking for more info, that is overthinking it. But is expanding my mind in trying to better understand myself and what motivates me overthinking? I don’t think so.
too fat to be italian 
You are amazing. I love the way you think, my friend.
I, too, am often told that I am overthinking things or asking too many questions and “getting into the weeds”. When that happens too often in one environment, it can certainly produce some PTSD (for me it happened at a previous job).
Maybe it comes from the anxiety end of things, and maybe being that thoughtful enriches our lives to a whole other level. I appreciate that the extra information and constant questioning round out my imagination – or the concept/image in my head – so that I can make an informed decision. I can see some times where that isn’t required – but when it comes to hypothetical questions, I 100% agree with you on responding with a request for clarification. It would make sense that people don’t like the way it makes them feel when they realize they have made a decision without considering the point of clarification you raise. Their loss.
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