Merriam-Webster’s dictionary classifies assault as: a violent physical or verbal attack. My question is what constitutes violence in this instance? One of the reasons I love current pop culture is because so many topics are being brought to light about incidents many of us experience daily but often do not feel loaded or heavy enough to warrant discussion or even upset. I so often feel that because something wasn’t the worst possible outcome it loses it’s validity, this happened when I was on a date last year and felt incredibly guilty using the term assault for an offense that was pretty non-violent comparatively to what we tend to associate with assault.
But it was an unwelcome offense and I felt unsafe because of it—what do you call that? What do you call it when someone keeps touching you and you keep moving their hands away? What do you call it when they hug you and press their penis against you as they caress your whole body and you remain immobile because of fear? What do you call it when it feels like it is your fault- you agreed to go out, you stood there while they hugged and you kept quiet because you were too scared of what they might do next.
On this season of Netflix’s Sex Education they explore sexual assault in a way I had not seen showing an assault similar to things that have happened to me; it really validated how all the times when I have felt violated, that it is indeed assault. Many reviews of Season Two focus on this storyline, which illustrates that it touched a nerve for many and has reignited a conversation that began long before the me too movement: what constitutes assault? 
In the show, Aimee, a flighty, light hearted character is ejaculated on by a stranger on the bus, ruining her favorite pair of jeans no less. At first she ignores it, laughs it off, even citing that perhaps the man was just lonely, until a friend points out the seriousness of the situation and takes her to the police to report it. Of course with such little information about the ejaculator, and because the complaint lacks a certain amount of weight, the police are unable do much about it. We slowly see how this incident affects the psyche of this once sexually liberated woman throughout the season, causing small but significant changes in her daily life that lead to a relationship dissolving all while her fear escalates to a breaking point. It reminded me of so many experiences I have had where I felt responsible for what had occurred when in truth, the men who committed these acts, were the ones at fault. It reminded me of why I look over my shoulder, why I always cover my hand with my drink when in big crowds, why I walk home with my keys wedged between my fingers, and why I avoided certain trains and places.
I was 12 years old when a stranger commented on my chest for the first time. I was 20 years old when a man I’d been kissing at a bar ejaculated on my pants without warning. I was 24 years old when a man grabbed me as I walked home from a friends late at night. I was 26 years old when I was roofied at a bar my roommate worked at. I was 28 years old when a man kept trying to put his fist up my dress on a crowded Orange Line train during morning rush hour. I was 34 years old during the aforementioned experience. And these are just blips, moments I recall where I felt unsafe but also responsible for what happened: why was I walking late at night, why did I wear a dress, why did I agree to that date and most importantly, why did I drink so much, that often. The term assault is so loaded for women (and men) from such an early age, why would anyone want to use that term when it was a “light” offense. It didn’t ruin my life or anyone’s else, but these things did change my life and we should be able to acknowledge events of this nature without feeling in the wrong for other people’s actions against your person.
I never asked for any of it, even with the guy I was kissing; I’ve made out with a lot of men that didn’t make it a point to jizz on me. I had to throw those pants out, even when the stain was scrubbed away you could still see it’s ghost. These experiences scratch the surface of the sheer number of times men have overstepped in my life and I am one person of half the population! Each woman you know has stories of this nature. Everyday assaults like this have happened to your mothers, sisters and daughters and we have been raised to brush them off, it’s just boys being boys or it is what it is. But why? Why is it this way and why should we continue to accept it?
Most men I am friendly with do not cat call, do not push themselves on women, do not turn to anger when rejected, do not ask probing questions and do not touch people without consent—it’s in seeing those men that we are reminded that the type of behavior of the aggressor is in no way normal. We need to be able to hold space for one another, to be able to offer comfort instead of criticism when someone comes to them with pain that originates from an experience of this nature. An incident that is not loud or heavy to anyone but them.
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I was watching TV this morning Elizabeth Smart was saying she was asleep on United, when she woke up being groped. She was frozen ,didn’t say anything, she moved her leg, but he continued. Here is a woman that knows it was wrong, silently saying to herself, that she was Elizabeth Smart. She reported it , but it’s still an assault!! She didn’t ask to be touched! Why as a woman we lessened the assault? Being over 60 I have no answer and why we stayed silent throughout our lives as a child to adult. Not our fault for being at a place, dressed so we feel pretty or the time is off or worse I say no. I am angry but no answer.
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