Dislocated

I dislocated my shoulder last week and when one of your limbs becomes useless, many people (if you’re fortunate) offer to help you in some way, shape or form. Unfortunately if you’re anything like me you’re terrible at asking for help or for that matter, taking it. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and I didn’t really know what I needed in terms of help (besides a hug).

Can we agree that the best help is when someone just does something without direction? Volunteering to make your lunch for the week, chop your vegetables, pick up heavy items like that 42 lb of cat litter you didn’t buy when you were supposed to or folding your unmentionables. Accepting help is an issue for pretty much everyone in my family- we are self sufficient to the point of martyrdom.  It could be that we are Irish but it’s on both sides so it’s probably due to being ancestors of pilgrims or some shit- we can do it all on our own, thank you very much. I’d say we hail from those who didn’t accept help from Native Americans but I’d probably not be here if that were the case. Need help- pish posh, I would rather have grandmummy roll over in her grave than to take your corn offering you savages– ancestor that didn’t make it through that Jamestown winter. My point is asking for help is painful on an almost genetic level.

In the situations where you feel called to help, people’s minds are often clouded by thoughts of whatever they are dealing with and they are unable to give you a sense of direction because they have none.  Some of my friends are amazing at coming up with ways in which they can offer help (that is actually helpful) and I try to listen closely to what they’ve done and put it in my mental reference box for the future. If you don’t have a mental reference box I highly recommend getting one to make it through adulthood without seeming like a complete asshole.

Someone I’d slept with offered help while my wing mends but most of the things I feel that I need (or want) are things we have already established I cannot get from him. It’s true that injuring yourself points out your singularity- it can make you feel alone in pointing out the absence of what so many peers seem to have, a human companion. As much as I love my four legged fur baby he is of little use to me while I am in this sling and though I love being awoken by his feet on my head it is not exactly the comfort one desires when in this state. Honestly, I’ve been single so long it is hard for me to imagine having someone to help with the most mundane tasks like tying my hair back or holding a dust pan, but also in the most important, like holding my hand before the drugs have kicked in when I’m in the ER.

I question if his offer comes from a genuine desire to help or if it comes from some weird obligation or guilt feeling. Perhaps he is like me, and desperately wants to help, but doesn’t know what is allowed in our new dynamic. Or perhaps he asks because he likes the notion of being the type of guy who asks and therefore makes the actual ask an empty offer. It made me think back to some of our conversations and honestly, I only ever alluded to a sexual desire with him because I revert to it as a protective barrier.  I cannot say that he awakened a part of me that longed for companionship, it is too embarrassing to admit that.. To admit you long for the kind of intimacy that comes with sunny sheets,  morning laughter, prolonged eye contact, relaxed banter and the feeling of not needing to impress in order to be liked or respected because that respect is already there. It opened a cavernous hole that I am unable to fill on my own no matter how many face masks I put on while listening to Lizzo’s ‘Soulmate’.

So when he asks if I need help and insists I tell him if there is anything, anything  I need at all,  I nod my head and say that I’ll think about it.  I keep my eyes downcast during our exchange because the ‘help’ I have thought of is much more than I am willing to ask of anyone, especially  him,  precisely because of how good our morning laughter in those sunny sheets felt.